Another honest post.

Something that I’ve never understood. I’ve never been able to put in to words. I didn’t know how to explain.

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ANXIETY

Why do I have it? I have no clue. Genetics, maybe? I never understood why, in the dead of the night, I would be paralyzed for minutes which felt like hours. I was breathing, but I could never get enough air. I would fidget and stem but couldn’t control it enough to make it stop. My mind would have 1,000 thoughts at one time, overwhelming me and making me shake. Anxiety isn’t something you fake.

It has left me speechless. It has caused me to be frozen with fear. It has caused me to be completely irrational. BUT it hasn’t taken my life away from me.

While there are times where I’m held up in my room, because I can’t handle anything outside of what I can control, it hasn’t kept me from living. While I don’t go on adventures to Europe, or on spontaneous road trips, I have always been involved in some way.

I may have to push it aside and melt down by myself later in the day, but I’ve been able to “cope“. Thankfully, I’ve learned ways to place my anxiety in a box and deal with it later- most of the time it works.

It isn’t about being nervous before a big performance. For me, it’s a constant knot in my stomach and weight on my chest. My thoughts will never cease, going over the same scenarios repeatedly; that have happened, that haven’t happened yet, and the worst case scenarios. Placing thoughts in my mind about how people feel, how they perceive me, what I did that was annoying, or what I said that was probably taken the wrong way.

I am taking moments each day to journal how I feel, be present, be aware, and be mindful.

❤️

Please let me know if you have any tips or stories you’d like to share.

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Today feels like…

The kind of day that I need to be real. Uninhibited. Unashamed. Unfiltered.

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I am suffering from mental illness.

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That being said, to the world, is a very scary thing because of the stigma that surrounds the term “mental illness”. How is it different than the disease that affects my body and deteriorates my muscles?

I have recently learned that I have depression… and other things.

(Stay tuned for more next week.)

I know I’m not alone in this, and I’m taking steps to help myself. I’ve opened up to loved ones about this, along with how I’m feeling day to day. I’m a very sensitive person and have been often told that is a flaw, that I shouldn’t be so emotional, and that I care too much.

You know what? I am pushing all the negative comments aside, and I am learning how to view these attributes as positives.

I am grateful that I care for people and have passions for things other than myself. That being said, however, there are also times that I don’t care about anything. My mind is filled with every negative thing (lies) that I have been told plus some. It’s really debilitating and has taken me to some really dark places, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I am venturing out with friends, and I am involved in more things for my fun-o-meter than I have been in a long time. My mind isn’t filled with obligations to make myself worthy or deserve things. I went so long thinking that I had to keep my head down and do what I was “supposed to do” in order to deserve to be happy. By who’s standards? I have no idea. I am shedding the skin of the insecure little girl and blossoming in to a confident woman who, honestly, doesn’t give a dang what you think.

Give me YOUR story in the comments below! Have you ever battled with a mental illness or depression?