Another honest post.

Something that I’ve never understood. I’ve never been able to put in to words. I didn’t know how to explain.

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ANXIETY

Why do I have it? I have no clue. Genetics, maybe? I never understood why, in the dead of the night, I would be paralyzed for minutes which felt like hours. I was breathing, but I could never get enough air. I would fidget and stem but couldn’t control it enough to make it stop. My mind would have 1,000 thoughts at one time, overwhelming me and making me shake. Anxiety isn’t something you fake.

It has left me speechless. It has caused me to be frozen with fear. It has caused me to be completely irrational. BUT it hasn’t taken my life away from me.

While there are times where I’m held up in my room, because I can’t handle anything outside of what I can control, it hasn’t kept me from living. While I don’t go on adventures to Europe, or on spontaneous road trips, I have always been involved in some way.

I may have to push it aside and melt down by myself later in the day, but I’ve been able to “cope“. Thankfully, I’ve learned ways to place my anxiety in a box and deal with it later- most of the time it works.

It isn’t about being nervous before a big performance. For me, it’s a constant knot in my stomach and weight on my chest. My thoughts will never cease, going over the same scenarios repeatedly; that have happened, that haven’t happened yet, and the worst case scenarios. Placing thoughts in my mind about how people feel, how they perceive me, what I did that was annoying, or what I said that was probably taken the wrong way.

I am taking moments each day to journal how I feel, be present, be aware, and be mindful.

❤️

Please let me know if you have any tips or stories you’d like to share.