Recently

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It has been foggy, so I took the opportunity to capture it! My college professor said that no photo is worth taking without a risk involved. The majority of my photos are not “risky”. I am a very cautious person. However, I couldn’t resist taking my camera out in to the mud, amidst all the animals. They were acting so crazy this morning, because the fog was SO thick.

Yesterday, the skies were more clear.

Yesterday, I stopped down to 2.0 and had my ISO at 1000. I did this, because I was photographing animals, and they move very quickly.

This morning, I pulled my ISO down to 100 and used my 50mm macro lens.

I write, on occasion.

At times, I feel the need to express myself in written form. It seems to suit me better than verbal communication. When I was young, I’d write my mother notes. I’ve always felt intensely, and didn’t know another way to express how I truly felt.

Whether I’m “good” at it, or not, doesn’t matter to me. Writing things down gives me free space in my mind.

Here are two things I most recently wrote.

I don’t want to be a mold. That wouldn’t lead to elation. I don’t want to say yes. That wouldn’t lead to elation. The propaganda that a yes leads to more is a lie. It will lead to the death of your soul. Your individuality will be buried at sea. The waves will crash. The acceptance MAY come, but it is not likely, because your acceptance comes from you. Seek it from others, and the you that you knew will die.

 

My heart is breaking. I feel like I’ve lost myself in so many ways. Where is she? Where is the girl who created on a whim, who did what she loved without inhibition, who did and did not care. Sleepless nights, always. Stuck in her head, night and day. It was her safe place. It was chaos. It was beautiful. But, the lies creeped in. She picked up her sword, and she fought, but the fight was in her no more. She was tired of loving everything and nothing, all at once. She became numb. She made everyone happy and hid behind a smile. No more relief, just pain.

 

Thank you for reading.