A letter

to my former self (and former friends).

I have lived my life expecting everyone to have the same heart as I do. In the hardest ways, I’ve learned that’s just not possible.

I’m sorry for the way I cared and expected too much because of it. I held such unrealistic expectations for myself and for you. The way I feel about myself has manifested itself in some of the worst ways. I apologize for leaning on you for support more than you were capable of giving. I apologize for the mood swings, for not knowing what I want, and for all the petty complaints. I was too busy trying to please you to step back and find myself.

In the end, I’m sorry for being so self centered in friendships and expecting other people to help me with what I need to help myself. I need to find happiness in myself, and I’m sorry for looking for it in all of you. To the past friends, thank you for being a part of my journey, and for being a piece in the puzzle that has built me in to who I am today.



A different timeline.

God doesn’t work on the same timeline as we do. Our days are glimpses of a moment to Him. Our years of waiting are a few seconds to Him. Even though we “understand” this, the facts we should really cling to are that:

1. God’s best takes time and preparation

2. He desires that we wait for His best without settling

3. He loves us, incredibly

4. His plans are better than ours

Think about it, you probably have a few questions about the way the world works, things from the Bible, or even how your own body works. You live and breathe, but you don’t have a full comprehension of things. That’s okay! It’s because God is all knowing, not you.

Honestly? What a relief!!! I would not want to know everything.

That being said, God knows what’s best for you, so please be patient for His blessings.


Another honest post.

Something that I’ve never understood. I’ve never been able to put in to words. I didn’t know how to explain.













Why do I have it? I have no clue. Genetics, maybe? I never understood why, in the dead of the night, I would be paralyzed for minutes which felt like hours. I was breathing, but I could never get enough air. I would fidget and stem but couldn’t control it enough to make it stop. My mind would have 1,000 thoughts at one time, overwhelming me and making me shake. Anxiety isn’t something you fake.

It has left me speechless. It has caused me to be frozen with fear. It has caused me to be completely irrational. BUT it hasn’t taken my life away from me.

While there are times where I’m held up in my room, because I can’t handle anything outside of what I can control, it hasn’t kept me from living. While I don’t go on adventures to Europe, or on spontaneous road trips, I have always been involved in some way.

I may have to push it aside and melt down by myself later in the day, but I’ve been able to “cope“. Thankfully, I’ve learned ways to place my anxiety in a box and deal with it later- most of the time it works.

It isn’t about being nervous before a big performance. For me, it’s a constant knot in my stomach and weight on my chest. My thoughts will never cease, going over the same scenarios repeatedly; that have happened, that haven’t happened yet, and the worst case scenarios. Placing thoughts in my mind about how people feel, how they perceive me, what I did that was annoying, or what I said that was probably taken the wrong way.

I am taking moments each day to journal how I feel, be present, be aware, and be mindful.


Please let me know if you have any tips or stories you’d like to share.

My goodness

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I love the country.

I am so incredibly thankful for the lifestyle I live, the freedom to do what I have longed for my entire life, and the privilege to work hard.


I’m thankful

This week has been wonderful for me, physically. Not once have I seen spots or felt faint. I am so thankful for the ability to use technology to track my steps and use it as motovation. Callie and I have been going on walks, and she loves them, too!

Some days, I’m like, “what disease?” and it makes my heart swell! So many years I’ve spent hating my body and focused on what it couldn’t do.

Through conversations with loved ones and prayer, I’ve learned that I am a stronger person when I embrace my weaknesses, too.

Every element that makes us US should be embraced: strengths, weaknesses, past, and present.

Today feels like…

The kind of day that I need to be real. Uninhibited. Unashamed. Unfiltered.









I am suffering from mental illness.



That being said, to the world, is a very scary thing because of the stigma that surrounds the term “mental illness”. How is it different than the disease that affects my body and deteriorates my muscles?

I have recently learned that I have depression… and other things.

(Stay tuned for more next week.)

I know I’m not alone in this, and I’m taking steps to help myself. I’ve opened up to loved ones about this, along with how I’m feeling day to day. I’m a very sensitive person and have been often told that is a flaw, that I shouldn’t be so emotional, and that I care too much.

You know what? I am pushing all the negative comments aside, and I am learning how to view these attributes as positives.

I am grateful that I care for people and have passions for things other than myself. That being said, however, there are also times that I don’t care about anything. My mind is filled with every negative thing (lies) that I have been told plus some. It’s really debilitating and has taken me to some really dark places, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I am venturing out with friends, and I am involved in more things for my fun-o-meter than I have been in a long time. My mind isn’t filled with obligations to make myself worthy or deserve things. I went so long thinking that I had to keep my head down and do what I was “supposed to do” in order to deserve to be happy. By who’s standards? I have no idea. I am shedding the skin of the insecure little girl and blossoming in to a confident woman who, honestly, doesn’t give a dang what you think.

Give me YOUR story in the comments below! Have you ever battled with a mental illness or depression?



You are commanded to lay them at His feet. Why? Because He is the one who can handle them, not you. You’re not strong enough, hun. You think you are, but you aren’t, and that’s the beauty of it all. Worrying only puts space between you and your creator. Do you really want to create an estranged relationship by doing so? It would be wise to talk it out with Him and ask Him to take your worries away. Be thankful for these worries; how small, how minute compared to the grand scheme of things. I am thankful for my little worries that He’s sure to take care of. He always provides, and I’m certainly thankful my worries don’t include where my next meal will come from. Our God is a good God, and He is capable.


Ladies and gents… let’s talk about gluten

It’s hard to resist the goodness of Olive Garden breadsticks, good stuffed crust pizza, cakes and cookies, etc… but when you have a food allergy, you HAVE to or else you’ll suffer the consequences.

every time I slip up, my symptoms are worse and worse.

here are some I’ve experienced so far:


– migraine

– stiff and achy joints

– low grade fever

– diarrhea

– vomiting

– cramps

– fatigue/ lethargy

– dizzy spells

– hypoglycemia

– excessive hunger

if you suspect you have a food allergy, even if your symptoms are few, please seek medical help. It’s not worth the damage to your digestive system. Have someone help keep you accountable, too.